I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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