How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
