For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
