Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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