Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
