Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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