i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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