hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize