How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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