I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
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Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
