Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
