What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize