and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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