your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you didnt know i had herpes?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
