what day is it and did you see me today?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
