I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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