im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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