My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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