Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
well you can't waste a boner
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
