I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
it glows. i had to have it.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
