I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
