This girl is more easily done than said...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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