Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
