Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
