please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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