I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
