i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
