the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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