he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
