my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
