1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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