Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
