did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
