Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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