Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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