Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
