hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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