when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just cut my nipple shaving
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize