I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
