If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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