last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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