I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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