There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
