At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
