Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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