Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
