he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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