he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
