You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
