All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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