How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
