Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
