we have officially lost it.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
