bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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