my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
