I faked an abortion last night.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
