I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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