between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
