Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
