Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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