I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
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