Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize