sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize