My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
