worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
