I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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