I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
