Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
