I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
