I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
