somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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