I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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