So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
