Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Randomize
